Over the last 12 to 18 months, Richard, 42, has been living with anxiety. This gripped his life in a way that he never thought possible. During his struggles, Richard called us, at the Sanctuary, for support overnight. Now, on his road to recovery, he’s blogging for us about his experience of living with anxiety and the epic cycling challenge he’s set himself this year.

Well here we are again, what are we doing and how are we doing it?

I’ve had this Ramones song stuck in my head:

Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Always stiff, all day long.
Nothing’s right till it’s all wrong.
It makes no sense until I’m tense.
Always laughing at your expense.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Always biting on my nails.
Always stiff, it never fails.
Now it on my sweaty clothes.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Always screamin’ at someone.
Got a temper like a gun.
Hair trigger personality.
Anxiety keeps me hap-happy.

I’m using this as a bit of a motivational song, the motivation is not to feel like this – to block these thoughts out and not to scream at someone, which sadly is my wife. Why is it that the person who takes the brunt of the anxiety outbursts is the person you love so much? It’s because they are the one constant person who is always there. It’s not their fault if something goes wrong – that’s life.

I’m going to ensure that this song is played in the support car at the top of that hill during my cycle. I’ll be sticking two fingers up at the world, that hill and hopefully anxiety. And my wife will get a massive hug instead of being shouted at.

So, on to the training, I’ve roped a colleague in, he too suffers with mental health issues, he too has accessed many forms of support that Self Help provide and attends some of the group sessions. Like myself, he has been a keen cyclist in the past but this has dropped off over the last 12 months or so.

We met during some buddy groups at work and got talking about our joint interest in cycling, I’m in awe of his achievements and the sportive rides he has completed. We have plans in place to get some hill training in place, including riding the “Cat and Fiddle”.

We are going to start out gentle once or twice a month together and then build up to longer more demanding distances. This plan of ours, it helps so much, it helps me focus on something other than small insignificant things that end up building up to bigger things and then “POP” we are off again. Off down that slippery slope of anxiety:

Nothing’s right till it’s all wrong.

No, that was the Richard of 12 months ago, that’s how he thought back then, this is now, this is reality this is positive thoughts and dealing with issues reaching out for the help I need and not hiding away from it like I have done so many times and then:

Always laughing at your expense

Well, the cycling, it is getting a little bit easier, I’ve added an extra half mile, on an evening. If I do that on my commute I can then focus on getting fitter for my weekend rides with my colleague and we can push ourselves on more and more. Otherwise we will

Always biting on my nails.
Always stiff, it never fails

So, that is the plan, I need to put this into reality, six months is such a short space of time, it was 12 months ago that I found myself retuning to work and I feel like I have just blinked and the year has gone by in a flash.

The route has been planned – this helped me focus on something new, reading about the different places we will go through, albeit fleetingly but it was interesting anyway.

Here’s to the journey that journey into the known and the unknown, the unknown if I get lost mentally and physically – at least there are maps and GPS if we get lost, not so for the mental side of it.

And like another great band I love, The Frank and Walters, once sang:

Oh Michael (Richard), don’t you know you were meant to ride your bicycle
That car of yours does not suit the colour of your eyes, my friend
So smile and ride your bicycle
So smile and ride your bicycle
So smile and ride your bicycle
So smile and ride your bicycle

You can support Richard and the Sanctuary by visiting hisJustGiving page and making a donation.